Communication:
He Says/She Says
by Reicia Jones
The biology definition of
communication states that it is the activity by one organism that changes or
has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms….So exactly what am
I saying? I’m so glad you asked. Allow
me to explain: Communication between the sexes has often been misunderstood,
misinterpreted, misrepresented, or blurred since the beginning of time. Communication can be defined as the activity
of one organism (man) that changes the behavior of other organisms or that has
the potential to change the behavior of other organisms (woman). And, just to
be fair and keep things on an even writing field, let’s make things equally
applicable: the activity of one organism (woman) that changes or has the
potential to change the behavior of other organisms (man). To gain a full
understanding of communication between a man and a woman, there are several other
factors to consider. Communication is not only verbal, it is non-verbal as
well. Some non-verbal communication cues
include (but are not limited to) facial expressions and body language. These cues are super important. And let’s not forget all of the unspoken
conversations that exist. It is my
opinion that the unspoken conversations weigh heavily on the potential
responses or the lack of responses that can cause escalations in hostility. Strangely enough, fear keeps some quiet while
anger is a catalyst for others to talk to the point of regret. Both states of mind and mouth can be detrimental
to the flow of the communication as well as to the health of the
relationship.
Communication today between a man and a
woman has drastically changed. We are not as personable as we once were because
some of the more modern communication streams have diminished the human
interaction component. As a result, the
likelihood of misinterpretation is high.
This can be especially common in text message exchanges. As a result, I believe text messaging should NOT
be used so much. I believe a return to
some good old fashioned back-in-the-day values are in order. I believe there were more advantages to
communication when human beings relied more of each other rather than on
electronic devices. To be “social” meant
something. Modern technology actually
appears to have made us more anti-social than ever.
Now-a-days, there is an all out war on
communication between Man and Woman. This particular attack is serious and
should cause us to pause and take note.
The man-woman interaction will be threatened if this attack
continues. The divide is at risk to
widen and the scars could potentially go deeper. Let’s take a look at a story as an example.
We use to talk all the time in the
beginning. There was a time when we completed each other’s thoughts and would
burst into laughter when we finished each other’s sentences. There was a time
when we felt safe in our own little world. We enjoyed the intimacy of pillow
talk. Which is why I can’t help but wonder what happened? We shared our goals,
dreams, and visions with so much love and passion. We pushed each other to be
better and to go further. How did we get to this place of silence? Man! When did you check out on me? Woman! When did you become so angry? Man who has
your attention? Why are you so quiet? Woman why are you so angry? Why are you
so loud?
He Said:
“Woman!
I love you. Why can’t you see that? I am the man. I am the head. I’m the
leader so why won’t you follow me? Why don’t you trust me anymore? Open up to
me. Daily I fight many forces outside our walls to prove my worth as a black
man. I have to do extra to prove I’m not a threat simply because of my strong
stature. I see my brothers dying daily and it bothers me. It even scares me if
I were to admit it. But I can’t because that’s not what a strong man does. And
then I come home to what should my sanctuary, my safe place, to an even bigger
fight, filled with anger and attitude, then silence. To fight with the one so
close to me feels like I’m fighting with myself.”
She Said:
“I love you Man! Why can’t you see that?
You also see me as the enemy. I can feel it when you stare at me. I opened up
to you and shared things I’ve experienced with you and then you throw them back
in my face. Why don’t you trust me anymore? Every day you walk through the
doors I’m so grateful because I see what is happening to brothers daily. I’m
afraid when you leave fearing that you won’t come back home to me. I want to
show you each day. But, I’m so angry I just don’t say anything because of my anger.
I’m sure it comes across as attitude but it’s really not. What happened to our
sanctuary-our safe place? So, instead I watch you when you come home hoping
that you will just reach out and grab me-touch me in some way to let me know
that you’re still invested in this fight with me! Instead, I sit…in silence. We
have become strangers in a familiar place. Our communication has been silenced
to nothing. How do we fix this?”
If only they would say this to each other
instead of allowing silence to take over, things…would be…so much…easier. (Sigh).
He Said:
“I tried that love thing in the past. I
got hurt. I’ve shut down that part of me. I built a wall. I saw nothing but
games within relationships growing up so I decided that is what I will do. I’ll
play games. I’ve become a product of my
environment. There are too many women out here to struggle over one. I can
simply have fun. I will never settle down again. I’ll spit a version of a
truth. I will call my own shots. I’ll
date several women at one time so that I won’t fall for any of them. My feelings
will stay protected and I’ll treat everyone the same and not let any of them
get too close to me. That is…till she came along. Finally, I can be
myself. She’s seen me at my lowest point and she still stood tall. Despite my flaws, she didn’t berate me. Nope! I said I wasn’t going to let anyone come
close. I can’t turn in my card yet. I won’t. Because of fear, I pushed her
beyond her limits. Now she’s gone and I miss her.”
She said:
“I tried that love thing in the past and
it didn’t work. So I built a wall. What I know of love has been nothing but
heartache and games. So I’ll play. Why not, I’m competitive. I’ll let you get
close but not too close! If you do, I’ll
cut you off with no explanation. You’ll think I’m playing games with you like the
kind you experienced in the past. But
I’m not. I’m just scared. I know your type and I know it well. I’m protecting
my feelings just like you are. But you let me see you. The real you-not the
person you intended. Because of that, I let you see me at my lowest point and
you stood tall somehow. I know, because you wiped tears from my face. That
scared you and it scared me too. So you pulled a classic you and started acting
up. And, you pushed me beyond my limits.
So…I left. I miss him. But I had to go.”
It’s unfortunate how we witness these
conversations all the time. So much time is wasted on unspoken words between a
man and a woman.
Recently, as I was driving back home from Virginia
A few callers talked about how Black women
are not as submissive as women of other cultures. That angered me fully and it made me think
about this article on communication. Why can’t we just talk to each other
without judgment? I had no choice but to conclude that this was yet another
attack to widen the gap between the sexes. Everything is designed to keep us
mad at each other and silent. I didn’t understand the purpose of that
program. But I will tell you it made me
angry. And tears began to flow down my face because we are in trouble as women
and men if we don’t get a grip on this. We are so far apart from each other that
it saddens me so. Look at it. We don’t
talk to each other at home and our children see that. If we do talk, it’s
during arguments and our children see it. Children then pattern those behaviors
outside the home which ultimately adds to everyone’s frustration. And while everyone is talking or yelling
nobody is paying attention to the real issue: the bridge between us keeps
getting wider. What can we do to sharpen our communication skills? The art of
it and the beauty of it need to be reclaimed.
We need to revisit the fundamentals and quickly. At this point, our communication has been
reduced to social media and text messaging. And if we don’t sharpen our skills
and close the divide, the state of relations between men and women will remain
broken and fragmented. And we will be
lost and remain silent and angry with one another. If only we could talk-that would make
everything clearer. Let’s get back to the basics! Let’s say what we mean and mean what we say…in
love of course.
Now-a-days, challenges are created and
promoted on social media all the time.
So…let’s start a communication challenge! Let’s do a little experiment.
Let's start off with one day and gradually make it a week. Instead of texting-call
instead. Have a real conversation with someone in your life-a good old fashioned
conversation! You’d be surprised at how
great that will feel. And please, let me
know how it goes. Feel free to use the
comments section below. We didn’t get
here overnight and it’s not going to be an overnight fix. This is going to take time. Let’s agree that we have to start
somewhere…and soon! Take care.
reidejopoetry@yahoo.com
Recia Jones is a healthcare professional by trade who through soul searching and self reflection has discovered her many of her talents and skills. Born both out of passion and a therapeutic sense, Recia is on a journey of personal actualization in which she wields many tools and weapons to help people, women in particular find their strengths and purpose in their "singleness." Recia recently joined the Jubilee News Team where she made her first appearance in the Mothers' Day Edition of the newsletter, 8.3.
Recia Jones is a healthcare professional by trade who through soul searching and self reflection has discovered her many of her talents and skills. Born both out of passion and a therapeutic sense, Recia is on a journey of personal actualization in which she wields many tools and weapons to help people, women in particular find their strengths and purpose in their "singleness." Recia recently joined the Jubilee News Team where she made her first appearance in the Mothers' Day Edition of the newsletter, 8.3.
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