by Shereen
How many times have we as women said this to our girlfriends?
Sighing down the phone late at night comparing stories of our other halves, or better halves, dependent on our mood.
As a woman-a black woman-I am aware I have triggers-situations or behaviors that can set me off in the blink of an eye. That is not a generalization-it’s a fact. I’m working through it, increasing my level of self-awareness and my maturity to actually talk about some of the things that frustrate me. But it hasn’t been easy.
I can trace back my issues to my father. Yes, it is a story as old as time in the black community unfortunately. Absent father or in my case, a father that would pick and choose when he felt it was the right time to show up. We could go many, many months and not here from my Dad. Despite his many promises that he would be coming round on the weekend to pick us up, more often than not it never happened.
I remember being 15 years old (I’m the oldest of four children) during the Summer holidays. That meant that school was out for a whole 6 weeks. We lived in the North West of England, a tiny town called
One vivid memory I had took place on a Saturday morning and we were all packed to go to
11 a.m. that Saturday he was meant to be there. 11 a.m. had come and gone. Then it was lunchtime and still…we waited. “He’s only a couple of hours late,” I remember thinking, “and he’ll be here soon.”
A couple of hours turned into 4
hours. At about 6 p.m. that day, we realized
he wasn’t coming.
Now this was before the days of a mobile phone so there was no way of contacting him. My Mum called his sister, my Aunty, and she thought he was already inCrewe .
No one had seen him. And no one knew where
he was.
Not only did my Dad not turn up, we didn’t hear from him for months! When he did eventually call, there was no apology. It was as if the school holidays never happened. I would love to tell you this was a one off, but it wasn’t. It was common practice with my Dad. Unreliability and my Dad go hand in glove. They did then and unfortunately they still do.
Whilst I’ve gotten over that, it has had a profound impact on how I react to perceived unreliability. I use the word perceived because there have been many times when I have overreacted to my partner being late or changing his mind about doing something when we already agreed we were going to do it.
Changing his mind or cancelling our plans used to equate to unreliability in my book. I didn’t need to hear the reason or the context, as soon as I heard “I’m sorry baby but…” I had already filled in the blanks.
Why can’t I find a reliable man who does what he says he’s going to do? Why is it so hard? Why does my partner always do this?
I would be annoyed and sullen for a couple of hours, in theory I would get over it, but not really. It was a vicious cycle really and not helpful when you desperately love someone but you’re equally not sure if they can be trusted. Reliability equals trust, really, at its core.
One day a colleague half-jokingly asked me why I was always late.
Me? I replied at the time. Late? Well I am optimistic with the time and always try to fit another something in. We had a laugh and I didn’t think anything of it. But then later that day as I was walking to my car from the train station, I reflected on that conversation.
I can count on more than one hand the number of times I’ve been late for things. Silly things like leaving to go to the gym (in my defense). I have to be at my class at 6:30 a.m. so maybe a bit of lateness is excused? Dropping my daughter off at her drama class is a good example. Or maybe, arriving late to meet a friend for coffee. Lateness, to be fair, is my middle name.
My lateness is not a sign of disrespect or disregard (at least in my mind) to the other person’s time, but it could certainly be perceived that way. And here’s the punch line: I am late because it’s the only way I can ensure I’m not the one that is kept waiting. Deep down I am still that 15 year old teenager, frustrated at the many times my Dad has let me down. My way to cope with it, to ensure I can avoid feeling that sense of abandonment, is to be late. And I do that by being the one that keeps people waiting and not the other way round. Not particularly grown up I know, but I am working on it. It’s only the last few years that I have been able to articulate the deep rooted cause of my tardiness. This awareness; however, has taught me a lot about perception.
As women we can be so quick to connect the dots of isolated behavior and use it to reinforce an opinion (usually a negative one) of how our men can be lacking. We are quick to jump to “oh here we go again” point and we can, without hesitation, list all of the transgressions our men have done in the last decade. Not only can we recall what they have done, we remember the time, date, what they were wearing as well as what food we ate that day, too. Our ability to recall these details are second to none.
But sometimes things are not as they seem. In my case, there are genuine circumstances when plans need to be changed; when unavoidable things happen that delay my partner’s coming home. I have to move away from thinking “Why does he always do that” and instead, spend more time reflecting on “why do I always react like that.”
We cannot control other people. We cannot always fathom the intent behind behavior. It can be exhausting and destructive if we fail to pause and choose our responses so we don’t just react. As the saying goes, first seek to understand. And, the question we need to ask ourselves is, “How much time I have spent trying to understand myself?”
Now this was before the days of a mobile phone so there was no way of contacting him. My Mum called his sister, my Aunty, and she thought he was already in
Not only did my Dad not turn up, we didn’t hear from him for months! When he did eventually call, there was no apology. It was as if the school holidays never happened. I would love to tell you this was a one off, but it wasn’t. It was common practice with my Dad. Unreliability and my Dad go hand in glove. They did then and unfortunately they still do.
Whilst I’ve gotten over that, it has had a profound impact on how I react to perceived unreliability. I use the word perceived because there have been many times when I have overreacted to my partner being late or changing his mind about doing something when we already agreed we were going to do it.
Changing his mind or cancelling our plans used to equate to unreliability in my book. I didn’t need to hear the reason or the context, as soon as I heard “I’m sorry baby but…” I had already filled in the blanks.
Why can’t I find a reliable man who does what he says he’s going to do? Why is it so hard? Why does my partner always do this?
I would be annoyed and sullen for a couple of hours, in theory I would get over it, but not really. It was a vicious cycle really and not helpful when you desperately love someone but you’re equally not sure if they can be trusted. Reliability equals trust, really, at its core.
One day a colleague half-jokingly asked me why I was always late.
Me? I replied at the time. Late? Well I am optimistic with the time and always try to fit another something in. We had a laugh and I didn’t think anything of it. But then later that day as I was walking to my car from the train station, I reflected on that conversation.
I can count on more than one hand the number of times I’ve been late for things. Silly things like leaving to go to the gym (in my defense). I have to be at my class at 6:30 a.m. so maybe a bit of lateness is excused? Dropping my daughter off at her drama class is a good example. Or maybe, arriving late to meet a friend for coffee. Lateness, to be fair, is my middle name.
My lateness is not a sign of disrespect or disregard (at least in my mind) to the other person’s time, but it could certainly be perceived that way. And here’s the punch line: I am late because it’s the only way I can ensure I’m not the one that is kept waiting. Deep down I am still that 15 year old teenager, frustrated at the many times my Dad has let me down. My way to cope with it, to ensure I can avoid feeling that sense of abandonment, is to be late. And I do that by being the one that keeps people waiting and not the other way round. Not particularly grown up I know, but I am working on it. It’s only the last few years that I have been able to articulate the deep rooted cause of my tardiness. This awareness; however, has taught me a lot about perception.
As women we can be so quick to connect the dots of isolated behavior and use it to reinforce an opinion (usually a negative one) of how our men can be lacking. We are quick to jump to “oh here we go again” point and we can, without hesitation, list all of the transgressions our men have done in the last decade. Not only can we recall what they have done, we remember the time, date, what they were wearing as well as what food we ate that day, too. Our ability to recall these details are second to none.
But sometimes things are not as they seem. In my case, there are genuine circumstances when plans need to be changed; when unavoidable things happen that delay my partner’s coming home. I have to move away from thinking “Why does he always do that” and instead, spend more time reflecting on “why do I always react like that.”
We cannot control other people. We cannot always fathom the intent behind behavior. It can be exhausting and destructive if we fail to pause and choose our responses so we don’t just react. As the saying goes, first seek to understand. And, the question we need to ask ourselves is, “How much time I have spent trying to understand myself?”
I’m getting better. I’m a work in progress
and I’m fortunate enough to be with someone who I wouldn’t change for the
world. I am trying to have grown up conversations, even though sometimes I’d
rather pull my own teeth out. But, it
does make a difference.
We cannot always jump to conclusions and
somewhere in our past, you will have a story, like I had my story, of the very
something that explains why you behave or react the way you do. Spend the time to work it out. Be brave and
have the courage to articulate it to your partner. They may not be able to understand
but they will understand you better.
I’m 36 years old and it’s taken me this long to realize this is what it means to be in a grown up relationship. Good grief it’s hard work! Don’t laugh. I’m still learning!
Shereen is a Mum of 9 year Tia and partner of Mehis (her very own Estonian Viking). Working in Human Resources by day and Founder and Creator of Achibé, Shereen is a firm believer that we can take small steps and we can achieve anything we set our minds to. Shereen's mission is to empower people to better help themselves to live the lives of their dreams. Shereen is also a Crossfitter and a closet writer who hails from theUK
I’m 36 years old and it’s taken me this long to realize this is what it means to be in a grown up relationship. Good grief it’s hard work! Don’t laugh. I’m still learning!
Shereen is a Mum of 9 year Tia and partner of Mehis (her very own Estonian Viking). Working in Human Resources by day and Founder and Creator of Achibé, Shereen is a firm believer that we can take small steps and we can achieve anything we set our minds to. Shereen's mission is to empower people to better help themselves to live the lives of their dreams. Shereen is also a Crossfitter and a closet writer who hails from the
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