Moving On
by Tracye Brewer
You have been abused and you are moving on. You are living in a safe place. You have disconnected from your abuser. You have found counseling to be helpful. You are working, engaged in social activities, and feeling vibrant again. You are no longer afraid. You don’t feel like a victim. You are not trying to be perfect. You are rediscovering the world through a new lens. You are moving on.
And then there’s him: He seems nice. He is everything that your abuser was not. When you talk to him, you feel confident and free. When you are out with him, you feel respected and appreciated. When you are not with him, you are feeling good about yourself. You can’t hardly wait to see him again.
The relationship is growing and developing based on a mutual trust and genuine friendship. He has witnessed some of your flaws and he doesn’t criticize you or berate you. He just enjoys being with you. You can imagine a long-lasting future with him. Despite this fact, you still push him away or shut him out at times. He doesn’t understand why you do this but he respects your space. You suddenly realize that you are pushing him away to protect your secret: You have been abused.
The feelings of guilt, fear, and shame return. At times when you are alone, your emotions grip you tightly.
What should you do?
Remind yourself that you are not being abused. That was then and this is now. This man is not your abuser.
COMMUNICATE!! Tell him what happened and how you feel. You can communicate general information about the abusive relationship and how you feel about it without disclosing all of the details. A man who is respectful of your boundaries and wants to move forward with you, will appreciate your honesty. He will not try to force you to say or do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. He will not blame you for what happened. He will not use your past against you. A man of understanding will listen. A man of understanding will comfort you.
Forgive yourself AGAIN. It’s normal for some emotions to resurface. Grant yourself permission to feel them. Acknowledge that they are there. Make it s practice to remind yourself that what happened to you is not who you are. When you openly express your feelings to the new man in your life and face the challenges in your current situation, you are expressing your POWER. Every time you exercise your power, you are healing yourself.
Everyone is different. The effects of a past experience of being abused can manifest in different ways in different people. You might wonder when is the best time to tell your new man about it? The short answer is: Whenever it comes up for you in your relationship. If you have truly forgiven yourself, then you can trust yourself to take this risk. If you are afraid, perhaps more healing needs to take place before you consider moving forward in the relationship.
If you find yourself reliving the trauma, having flashbacks, or feeling afraid in your new relationship, seek help from a licensed professional. You have not failed yourself or anyone else. You may need to “slow down” in the relationship or reset the boundaries. A man will choose to either walk away or support you in this process and this is okay. Trust that he knows what he can handle and that he may be doing you a huge favor by walking away. He may have experiences that you may not be aware of. This is not a negative reflection of you. This is a process. Don’t give up on yourself. Love yourself.
Rest assured that moving on is a process and no matter how that process happens for you, it is well.
by Tracye Brewer
You have been abused and you are moving on. You are living in a safe place. You have disconnected from your abuser. You have found counseling to be helpful. You are working, engaged in social activities, and feeling vibrant again. You are no longer afraid. You don’t feel like a victim. You are not trying to be perfect. You are rediscovering the world through a new lens. You are moving on.
And then there’s him: He seems nice. He is everything that your abuser was not. When you talk to him, you feel confident and free. When you are out with him, you feel respected and appreciated. When you are not with him, you are feeling good about yourself. You can’t hardly wait to see him again.
The relationship is growing and developing based on a mutual trust and genuine friendship. He has witnessed some of your flaws and he doesn’t criticize you or berate you. He just enjoys being with you. You can imagine a long-lasting future with him. Despite this fact, you still push him away or shut him out at times. He doesn’t understand why you do this but he respects your space. You suddenly realize that you are pushing him away to protect your secret: You have been abused.
The feelings of guilt, fear, and shame return. At times when you are alone, your emotions grip you tightly.
What should you do?
Remind yourself that you are not being abused. That was then and this is now. This man is not your abuser.
COMMUNICATE!! Tell him what happened and how you feel. You can communicate general information about the abusive relationship and how you feel about it without disclosing all of the details. A man who is respectful of your boundaries and wants to move forward with you, will appreciate your honesty. He will not try to force you to say or do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. He will not blame you for what happened. He will not use your past against you. A man of understanding will listen. A man of understanding will comfort you.
Forgive yourself AGAIN. It’s normal for some emotions to resurface. Grant yourself permission to feel them. Acknowledge that they are there. Make it s practice to remind yourself that what happened to you is not who you are. When you openly express your feelings to the new man in your life and face the challenges in your current situation, you are expressing your POWER. Every time you exercise your power, you are healing yourself.
Everyone is different. The effects of a past experience of being abused can manifest in different ways in different people. You might wonder when is the best time to tell your new man about it? The short answer is: Whenever it comes up for you in your relationship. If you have truly forgiven yourself, then you can trust yourself to take this risk. If you are afraid, perhaps more healing needs to take place before you consider moving forward in the relationship.
If you find yourself reliving the trauma, having flashbacks, or feeling afraid in your new relationship, seek help from a licensed professional. You have not failed yourself or anyone else. You may need to “slow down” in the relationship or reset the boundaries. A man will choose to either walk away or support you in this process and this is okay. Trust that he knows what he can handle and that he may be doing you a huge favor by walking away. He may have experiences that you may not be aware of. This is not a negative reflection of you. This is a process. Don’t give up on yourself. Love yourself.
Rest assured that moving on is a process and no matter how that process happens for you, it is well.
Tracye Brewer is a licensed clinical social worker. She facilitates workshops on "The Abuse of Power" teaching strategies for prevention and healing of abuse. She helps to raise awareness of clergy sexual abuse, working directly with clergy and church leadership. She has over 10 years of experience working with individuals, families, and children as a social worker. As a Medical Social Worker at Kaiser Permanente, she currently works with patients who have chronic illness and end stage disease. She is also an actress. She recently performed in the stage production "I Want My Vagina Back" playing the role of Claire, a woman struggling to heal from abuse, misfortune, and poor choices. Please join me in welcoming Tracye Brewer to the Jubilee News Team in this her debut article.
This was such a powerful article. I feel compelled to share it with a loved one who suffered from abuse in her previous marriage. She is functioning and surviving, but not thriving and LIVING. There is a wall up...and I think that she may find some solace in reading this, and realize that there is some joy on the other side. There is more living to do. Great article! Can't wait to read what's next from Ms. Brewer.
ReplyDeleteThank you Princess. May your friend find healing in her journey. Stay connected, a new edition of the newsletter will be released next week. Thank you for your support!!!
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