Past Hurts In Present
Context
by I.M.
How do you effectively deal with your current boyfriend/husband after you’ve been hurt so badly by past acquaintances? Consider this:
I was married for 15 years and like many females I experienced betrayal of trust and unconditional love. Not certain why our companions go astray but, it happens. Many suggest that usually it’s the woman’s fault for not peaking her partner’s interest anymore. Others say that a man is allowed to have more than 1 partner. I beg to differ with both statements.
My ex-husband was broken from the very beginning but I failed to see the signs. That is the first rule in dealing with men. It is said in the Bible: “Everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). If he cheats and you forgive him technically he feels he has gotten away with it and he may be capable of doing it again. Unfortunately, I have heard many of my friends say, “I thought he wouldn’t do it again.”
Women, safeguard your hearts! Give yourself the respect that you are expecting to receive from your lover. Believing that you can change him is not the answer nor a viable approach to take. I tried and it never worked. When you meet someone and you start to notice their flaws, ask yourself is this something that I am willing to accept and live with? We might adapt and conform, but change is rare. If it’s a defect that is unbearable do not think that it’s going to get better or go away. It’s best to end that relationship before someone gets hurt. The longer you stay, the deeper of a bond you’ll form and the harder it will be to let go in the long run.
We have to learn that if he doesn’t make you his priority, down the road you’ll encounter problems. In my marriage, I was silent about the fact that my ex-husband spent so much more time around his friends and away from me and the children. In addition, once we married, he never wanted me to have or to spend time with friends. Now that I look back at it, I believe it was to keep me from seeing the reality of our damaged marriage. His efforts to control and isolate me, were not only damaging to our marriage but to me as a person.
by I.M.
How do you effectively deal with your current boyfriend/husband after you’ve been hurt so badly by past acquaintances? Consider this:
I was married for 15 years and like many females I experienced betrayal of trust and unconditional love. Not certain why our companions go astray but, it happens. Many suggest that usually it’s the woman’s fault for not peaking her partner’s interest anymore. Others say that a man is allowed to have more than 1 partner. I beg to differ with both statements.
My ex-husband was broken from the very beginning but I failed to see the signs. That is the first rule in dealing with men. It is said in the Bible: “Everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). If he cheats and you forgive him technically he feels he has gotten away with it and he may be capable of doing it again. Unfortunately, I have heard many of my friends say, “I thought he wouldn’t do it again.”
Women, safeguard your hearts! Give yourself the respect that you are expecting to receive from your lover. Believing that you can change him is not the answer nor a viable approach to take. I tried and it never worked. When you meet someone and you start to notice their flaws, ask yourself is this something that I am willing to accept and live with? We might adapt and conform, but change is rare. If it’s a defect that is unbearable do not think that it’s going to get better or go away. It’s best to end that relationship before someone gets hurt. The longer you stay, the deeper of a bond you’ll form and the harder it will be to let go in the long run.
We have to learn that if he doesn’t make you his priority, down the road you’ll encounter problems. In my marriage, I was silent about the fact that my ex-husband spent so much more time around his friends and away from me and the children. In addition, once we married, he never wanted me to have or to spend time with friends. Now that I look back at it, I believe it was to keep me from seeing the reality of our damaged marriage. His efforts to control and isolate me, were not only damaging to our marriage but to me as a person.
All of us-women and
men-have issues. But accepting those
issues and consequently living with those issues is something else entirely. Accepting someone with the good and the
bad that they come with is not always easy. But it’s a two way street. No one
is perfect. Men are not our little boys that we are raising to be good men.
Those qualities should have been there prior to the union. We should not take
on the role of mentors to our men. There
is a far cry from trying to mentor our men vs. suggesting they give us a back
massage. And it would do us well to
know, and practice, the difference.
Once you’ve been
impacted by the aforementioned issues, it’s difficult to trust another man,
especially in the beginning. But trust,
I’ve found is earned in one sense and gained in another. In my current relationship I feel that I can
trust him, my trust is solid. We’ve been together for 3 years now and my man
has loved me in ways to free me from suspicions and paranoia. Our friendship is strong and our love is
vibrant because our communication is effective. Those things are all byproducts
of making your lover a priority.
I.M. is Mother, a linguist of
multiple languages, and a customer service professional with 20 plus years
of experience. I.M. specializes in the
research of extremely complex service related complaints and issues. I.M. also specializes in navigating complex
personal and relationship related issues.
It is her hope that the pain and the subsequent wisdom that she has
gained in recent years can empower other women to find their purpose and to
regain their footing after suffering through horrendous losses. It is this publication’s privilege to have
I.M. on board. Please join me in
officially welcoming I.M. to the Jubilee News Team with this her first writing
debut.
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