I am extraordinarily thankful for the contributions of all of the above mentioned persons for their voluntary support of Jubilee News. Thank you.
So as they say, the deed is done. Your husband/boyfriend/lover has cheated. Now what? To quote a famous R & B song, …. “Do we walk away or do we keep on trying?” In the heat of the moment many women will...
Why do some women stay?
1. The child/children: Many women stay because of the desire to provide an intact 2 parent home for her child/children. While this is truly the answer for some women, there are many more who stay for reason #2
2. Lifestyle (cars, money, status): There are some women who will readily admit that they stay for the children but others have difficulty admitting that they are motivated to stay in this kind of relationship because they see it as a loss of their previous lifestyle. I have counseled scores of women who have stayed in seemingly unbearable marriages because, “I don’t have enough money to leave” or“Who would I be if I'm not the First Lady”.
3. Religion: To Death do us part is the cornerstone that binds this relationship, as well as, "WIVES, submit yourselves unto YOUR OWN HUSBANDS, as unto the Lord. For THE HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF THE WIFE, even as Christ is the HEAD OF THE CHURCH: and He is the Saviour of the Body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24).
4. Fear: For the woman who has to navigate the word in her new role as Ex wife/girlfriend the fear of navigating and reconnecting with her role as a single woman and/or single mother. If this woman has low self esteem she may be lead to believe that she was fortunate to be associated with the one who cheats.
5. Family of Origin: If a woman is raised in a two- parent home where she witnessed her parents recover from adversity, she is likely to attempt to work to save her relationship. Interestingly, females from single family, middle income homes who raised to value two- parent family units are as likely to stay as their counterparts.
6. Unconditional love: In many cases, a woman stays because of her unconditional love for her partner. She is willing to work through most adverse issues because of her love and belief in her partner.
….. Some Leave
1. Pride:Pride appears as the flip side of the coin of Fear. This woman leaves because she has a healthy sense of self worth and can not or will not stay because of the pain and damage to her ego.
2. Previous Acts of Cheating. This act of cheating may be the last in a series of cheating and the woman may not stay because she has had enough of the cheating.
3. Child/Children: Some women leave because they want to teach their child/children not to stay in a relationship where one partner cheats.
How do you know when you should stay or
The Doctor advises you to establish a cooling off period to take stock and examine the relationship. Except in the case where there is violence. In a case where there is violence, I would never advise a woman to consider whether she wants to stay in this situation. In general, I would advise women to consider an exercise highlighted by Janet Jackson’s character in the Tyler Perry movie, “Why Did I get married”. In this movie Janet Jackson plays a character who is a psychologist and novelist. In one particular scene she gave asks her friends to conduct a list of pros and cons to determine the merits of their relationships. She advises them to stay in the relationship if the list of pros outweigh the cons and leave if cons outweigh the pros.
I have used this simple yet effective tool to assist couples ,as well as, individual clients to make important life decisions. I would caution all women to make the list by examining the qualities that the man currently embodies and not his “potential”. Couples often make a key mistake in their relationship by judging the relationship based on faulty thinking. Men often get in to relationships with the thought that things wont change while women often have a list of items that she will help her mate change in order for him to be the perfect mate.
The doctor wishes you peace in your situations and advises you in everything, “Don't let your ego get too close to your position, so that if your position gets shot down, your ego doesn't go with it." -Colin Powell
ATT is a licensed counselor in the state of GA and has held licenses in MD and NJ. She is currently pursuing her doctorate in Industrial Organizational Psychology. ATT is a woman of extraordinary wisdom who is tenacious about helping people. In INTERACTIVE WOMEN'S FORUMddition, she is a returning contributor. Join us in the celebration of this professional and her practical insight.
In addition to the release of the 4th Edition of the newsletter, Jubilee News is also proud to debut the
As one of the only electronically supported, women's forums of its kind, this page was designed to host your questions, comments, and feedback on the articles of the newsletter. OR, you can feel free to start your own discussion. There will be surveys, fill in the blank questionnaires, blog postings, and video links to support you in the strengthening of your relationships with the men in your lives.
The page will also feature a special, "Ask Dr. Ann" section in which you can pose your questions to our resident expert & licensed counselor, Dr. Ann. So Ladies, enjoy the 4th Edition AND the new Facebook page and interactive women's forum!!!
SPECIAL NOTE: When you visit the Facebook page, please be sure to click the "Like" button to receive frequent updates.
ARTIST CORNER I
WORDS OF COMFORT TO ABUSED WOMEN
by James W. Falcon
On the Blog Talk Radio broadcast, Café Encouragement Radio, that I do, I discussed the topic “Encouragement for Irreconcilable Relationships.” (See the details on the “
For we who name JESUS as LORD, it is some times difficult for us to live apart from someone in an unreconciled state. It bothers us that the once vibrant friendship that we enjoyed has crumbled and disintegrated. However, if and when there are hints and patterns of abuse in play in the relationship, it is best to physically separate oneself from the abusive party or parties, for safety’s sake if for no other reason. The only love that can and should be offered in situations like this is love from a distance.
So, be encouraged! And know that distance should always trump intimacy, especially when it comes to violent tendencies. You are no less a woman (or a Christian) for craving safety, peaceful surroundings, and peace of mind. Understand that the initial thoughts of guilt and even of separation anxiety that might arise pale in comparison to the physical, emotional, mental, & psychological pain that you might suffer if you remain in that situation. For your sake as well as for the sake of those who love and care about you, choose distance over intimacy if abuse is a factor-temporarily for tolerance; permanently for peace.
ARTIST CORNER II
by Meredith Duncan Weber
I am a newlywed who managed to snag an incredible man. We’ve been married for less than a year and some days I can’t even believe that I’ve been blessed with such a life partner. I’m sure most new brides would write the very same thought about their husbands. There’s not a morning that goes by when I don’t wake up and think of how thankful I am.
However, if you’d asked me two years ago if I’d ever see myself marrying my amazing husband, I would have given you that “are you kidding me?” look, put up my defenses and perhaps even muttered something about burned bridges. You see…two years ago I blamed that same man for my bitterness towards happy couples, for my feeling slighted when it came to love and for that dark shadow in my heart that made me ask myself, “am I worth being with a good man?”
To give you some background on our relationship, my husband and I dated for over a year and a half from 2006-2007. It was long-distance, but we were committed. Committed enough that we’d even talked of me moving south and leaving my beloved city life in
Due to unforeseen circumstances, however, our relationship ended abruptly. We both limped away from the final battle in broken states. We were both devastated and felt betrayed. When I look back on that ending I blame our communication (or lack of) and a matter of timing. I still hurt for both of us when I think back on those dark days.
When we broke up, we tried to do the “we’ll be friends”thing, but I had to end that mess. I was just too hurt and knew that my feelings would eventually betray me. I still loved him and, therefore, couldn’t be his friend. Breaking up with someone in today’s technology makes life tougher. You have to not only break up, but you have to defriend, Instant Message block and erase all kinds of social media ties. With each severed connection, the heart rips a bit more. It’s like saying that final “good-bye”over and over and over. Ugh. But I digress…
After severing communication connections and building walls, we didn’t talk for three years. Nothing. Not even a text or “happy birthday”email. But I always thought of him. Always compared every man I dated to him. I’d thought he was my “one” and the more men I dated after him, the more convinced I was that I’d never find a partner that was truly “mine” for all time.
Little did I know that my husband was feeling the same way.
So, what happened? How did we reconcile? Long story made super short, we reconciled through my sister, who knew how I felt about him, but also knew I would never offer an olive branch since I was the one who’d severed communication in the end. My sister gave credit to God (to whom I credit for all the good in my life) and let me know that her spirit had been moved to reach out to my ex (now hubby). She’d been moved to just reach out, touch base and open those communication lines between him and me. Turns out that reaching out is a big deal.
Because of her, we started communicating again. And when I write communicate, I mean it. We talked. I mean really talked. I laid all my cards on the table. Told him how he’d hurt me, explained the feelings and scars with which I’d been left, and shared my dreams of what could have been. And he did the same.We both got real with each other, which was something we’d failed to do before. We dug deep and we started chipping away at those walls we’d built. You know those walls. They’re the ones that are hard to scratch, let alone chip or break.
Now, here we are five years later from the fateful break-up. We’re committed to each other and to our marriage. We’ve turned battle wounds into learning opportunities. There’s deeper trust and a respect for each other that transcends the ugliness in our past. We’ve moved on. Together.
I share our story of reconciliation as a way to offer hope, but also encourage you to examine how you approach your relationships.I believe that communication is SO important to any relationship. It wasn’t until I took a long step back (and three years away from him) when I could see where our communication had failed. We hadn’t been raw with each other. We didn’t take the time to really listen. We only heard what we wanted to hear or jumped to conclusions without bringing those ideas to each other and discussing them.
Once a wall gets established, it’s amazing how fast it can climb, eh? One minute, you’re looking into each other’s eyes and the next you’re wondering how a wall replaced those eyes and who the heck started building it. Pretty soon, blame replaces reasoning and hearts become hardened.
I’d challenge you to play devil’s advocate if you’re in a relationship where reconciliation is questionable. Be the “other” and wear those shoes. What would you ask you? And then, answer those questions. Because sometimes they are tough, but those are the best ones to lay on the table and get conversations going again. Start with a listening ear. Try to not blame. Be open to what is said to you and, if you need it, step away from the conversation. Sometimes you have to walk away and process before responding. Sometimes you have to walk away for days… sometimes (in our case) for years.
In your communication, be sure to be honest and respectful of one another. All too often we cheat our “other” of those qualities once the glasses aren’t so rosy anymore. However, you must NOT communicate if there isn’t honesty and mutual respect. If you can’t get to a place where those are the foundation, then I’d suggest waiting until you can get to that place.
I hope those ideas help you on your journey(s) of mending. And while there are many relationships that can’t be mended, the optimist (and hopeless romantic) in me cheers for those that can. We’re all fallen creatures and not one of us is faultless. Forgive yourself, forgive your “other” and start communicating! When you communicate, just remember that there is some to be said, much to be heard and an abundance to be shared.
Meredith Duncan Weber is holds a Master's Degree in Organizational Leadership and is an exceptionally gifted communicator. Her sincere approach to enjoying life and people comes across in all of her interactions. We are thankful for Meredith's contribution as she allows us to peek behind the curtain of her relationship with her Husband and the journey of life and committment that they embarked upon a year ago. Jubilee News, join me in welcoming Meredith and in imparting a blessing to her and her Husband in their new marriage.
ARTIST CORNER III
FADE to BLACK
by James W. Falcon
were so hopeful
Implied abundance…there was no lack
a diminishing and a fade to black
body fine, mind fit, sharp wit, and full of tact
eyes wide, nose open, make up & mascara, with hair that flowed the length of your back
were daring, always caring, on the move, ever so smooth like cognac
unstoppable, organic, alive and on track
the shoe dropped, the top popped and the focus got outta whack
fragmented, broken and a fade to black
can’t we return to joy filled times?Please! Let’s go back!
all was vibrant, new, a novelty, a knack
the self inflicted pain, the torment and the torture rack
the mounting problems that we bare like a 1,000 pound sack
I want you!
I want us!
Let’s go on the attack!
Against the ever encroaching, ever advancing, joy robbing…
fade to black.
IT WAS HER FAULT?
"It was her fault."... Gentlemen, this is the wrong response to say when asked, "Why are you divorced?" Regardless if she initiated the divorce. Regardless if she was the one who cheated. This is what that statement conveys: "I had no responsibility in the dis solving of the relationship." "I did nothing wrong."
As we all know, divorce/separation doesn't happen overnight. The blow and the sting of it just seems like it came from out of nowhere. The truth of the matter, it is an extension of long standing problems extended over long periods of time. Kind of like a volcano coming to eruption.
I always find it fascinating to ask divorced people why they are divorced. One, because I hate divorce. I despise what it does to people, what it does to families, children. I hate it. Two, it amazes me how two seemingly loving people who clearly still love each other would choose to divorce. It's not easy. It never is. I believe in reconciliation whenever possible.
So with that said gentlemen, it is NEVER just her fault. It really does take two to tango. You need to examine why did she initiate the divorce. Why did she cheat, if that is the case. This is particularly difficult for men because they have to examine their manhood. Why wasn't I good enough? Was I not satisfying to her? Did I provide and protect her well enough? And it hits the very core of their make-up, to provide and to protect, to cover their wife and lead their family.
I'm talking to the good man. You know you came home every day to one woman. You know you contributed to the household financially and played an active role in raising the children. Do yourself a favor (and possibly a favor for your family too), examine the cause. Have an open conversation with your loved one. Ask the hard questions. Do the deep self-examination. Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Who knows, maybe there's reconciliation around the corner. That would be a good thing, especially if there are children involved.
But here's what not to do, don't try to move on to new relationships with issues unresolved in your heart. Convincing yourself, "I'm ok. It's behind me now." It takes time to heal all wounds. And here's what not to say, "It was her fault."
From "The Memoirs of a Lady"
Single parents are an interesting and multifaceted group of people. I can say this because I am a single parent. I am 32 years old and have a five year old daughter whom I adore more than life itself. My daughter’s father and I were never married and while that isn’t as important a fact, it does bring up the idea of the need to fulfill the qualities of both Mommy…and Daddy.
Now, before I get too carried away into making a point here, let me start by saying that this is not an attempt or opportunity to “male bash” in any way. I think men are fantastic and interesting creatures and have a lot to offer the right woman when they find her. There are many dads out there who are terrific parents and give their children everything and opportunity they can. On the other hand, there are many single parents who don’t have the emotional support from the other co-parent that would be so nice to have when trying to raise a child on their own.
In my particular case, the cards I was dealt were such that I would have to find a way to fulfill both roles. Where the traditional stereotype of a mom is to be the comforter, the understand-er, the listener, and dad is the one who administers the discipline and teaches the lessons. Believe me, it’s a tight rope walked between doling out punishments one minute and kissing boo-boo’s the next.
My father taught me many, many good lessons in my childhood and continues to surprise me even into my adulthood with the occasional lesson. Dad taught me everything from doing my homework before I was allowed to play and not accepting anything other than a‘B’, to baiting a fishing hook and teaching me how to shoot my first rifle, to standing up straight and being proud of who I am. He taught me how to change a tire and change my own oil; that I could survive on my own and that I did not“need” a man in my life unless I chose to include one in it. He taught me how a man is supposed to treat a woman and what I should come to expect and not settle for from a man. I can remember telling my Mom as a little girl that when I grew up, I wanted to marry Daddy. A she delightfully laughed, she told me that she was married to Daddy but that if I was lucky, I would find a man just like him. To me, my father is the epitome of how a man should be.
When I was faced with the fact that I was going to be a single-mom and I wouldn’t have that traditional family life for my daughter, I immediately began the journey to assume both roles and teach her whatever I could. Things like how to stand up for yourself; how to do for yourself; how to find the intestinal fortitude to get things done on your own; how to be respectful but also to earn that same respect from others; that if you’re not 10 minutes early, you’re late. I learned not too long after that there were some things I would never be able to appropriately convey to her simply because…I’m not a man.
It became very important to me to show my daughter that just because we didn’t have a traditional home life, we were still a family. Mommy gave her enough love for two parents and made sure she had everything she needed. She has seen Mommy do without so she didn’t have to. She has seen Mommy work two jobs to support her, and recently she has seen Mommy go back to school so that she can do even better for us. But it’s not the same as having two parents in the home together.
So where did I turn when I needed that positive male influence in my daughter’s life? My Dad. By now I can almost hear you asking yourself “why didn’t she turn to the father of her child for that guidance or male support?” Without “man-bashing”, because I promised I wouldn’t, let’s just say that I made a poor choice in ethical male specimen when I chose him. She comes home clean and fed but, he’s not winning any awards. So at least once a week we visit Poppy (that’s what she calls my Dad) or he picks her up from school and they have quality time together. He plays with her and teaches her things the way I remember him teaching me as a little girl. When I see her face as they interact, I’m immediately thrown back 27 years and it’s like I’m experiencing it all over again. She has a very special relationship with her Poppy and I thank God for that, every day.
Granted, she is only five years old, she will remember these things when she gets older and they will stay with her in a meaningful way. She will learn that she can survive, and live a healthy happy life on her own until she decides to include someone, the right one, in it; which brings me to my next and final point.
I met my fiancé Nick when my daughter was 14 months old. She did not meet him until after we had dated for a few months and even then, I did not let her see us interact in any other way than was friendly and platonic. I wanted her to see that a man and a woman can have a healthy relationship without being romantic. After some time he took both of us to dinners and to the park, and even took us fishing. For the largest 75% of her life she has seen a man treat Mommy with respect and love. She has seen us play together and she has seen us work through frustrations in healthy way. He loves my daughter more than I could have ever prayed for and he is her “favorite person”, as she calls him. I realized just recently that I will no longer have to play the role of both Mommy and Daddy anymore, and for the first time in a long time, I stopped holding my breath. Nick and I are set to be married on August 17th of this year and we are all very excited.
My prayers have been answered. Through God’s divine wisdom and plan, while things didn’t occur in the traditional way, everything came together. I’m blessed with a man who loves me and my daughter in a way I at one time only dreamed about and is the father figure I so desperately wanted her to have.
Mom was right; I did find a man just like my Daddy, and now my daughter will get to experience all the wonderful things that both Nick andPoppy can teach her.
How important is it for a little girl to have her father in her life? Is a father's presence that important? What are the benefits of having a solid connection with your Dad? Ladies, follow a fictional character named Blossom as she grapples with these topics in her growth and development from childhood to womanhood in each biweekly addition of Jubilee News. Jubilee News is proud to present the work of a
The Daddy Pages*
She was exhausted. Though the project she was working on was nearing completion, the toll it had taken on Blossom was immeasurable. There were far too many long days and weeks and weeks worth of long nights. Tired was an understatement. She was worn out to the core. And because she had invested so much of her time and her energy to this project at work, she denied herself several things that she typically likes to enjoy during the week. Things like hanging out with her girlfriends, dating, working out, and spending time with her family. She’s been out of the loop so much that she’s even stop returning phone calls.
She managed to leave work a little earlier than normal today and made her way sluggishly to her apartment complex. It was strange to be off work with the sun still shining. It had been so long since she had enjoyed a bright sunny day outside of work that she struggled to remember the last time but…at that point…an attempt to recall those memories was too draining a process so she just dismissed the whole thing. She put her key in the lock of her apartment’s door and turned it after having put her full weight on it to prevent herself from falling in the opposite direction. She needed a prop and the door seemed like her best option. Stumbling into her living room, she made her way to her bedroom with all of the poise and finesse of a drunk driver undergoing a sobriety test. On her bed she flopped with her clothes on still clutching her briefcase and sunglasses nesting in her hair. There on her bed, fully clothed she fell asleep just as she had so many days before.
Blossom never wakes up. Instead, she is very slowly and painfully ripped from the bliss of dream land back to reality much in the manner a new born is compelled out of the warmth and security of the womb into the bright lights and hustle and bustle of the rat race. Upon her “arrival” she doesn’t open her eyes for at least another ten to fifteen minutes hoping that she can fall back to sleep so that she can use “I overslept” as the excuse she needs to miss the morning huddle at work. Blossom rolls over, looks up at the ceiling and thinks out loud to herself how unbelievably difficult this routine of her’s would be if she were married with children. “What do married professionals do?” she wondered. “How do they mange during times like this,” she asked herself over and over as if the repetitiveness of the question might provide some enlightenment. And then…it hit her all at once. She was finally able to connect the dots. As she slowly sat up, undoing the bottons, zippers, and snaps on the clothes she fell asleep in, she was finally able to forgive her Dad. For the first time, it all made sense. Although she felt horrible about-the silent bitterness she harbored toward her Dad for many years, she was finally at peace. She had the answers she needed-the answers to why her father fell asleep while they played bard games or watched T.V. or attempted to participate in other Daddy-Daughter date night activities.
She recalled a conversation she had with her Mom on the subject many years earlier. It was a conversation in which Blossom articulated her concerns about her Dad through clinched teeth and with tears flowing down her cheeks like an April down pour. Her concerns were met, as they always were, with incredible depth of wisdom from her Mother-wisdom that her Mother always seemed to have about her Dad as if he was her favorite topic. Blossom’s Mother told her that her Father was the manager of a call center in which he oversaw the daily operation of a team of 140 people in two cities. Her Mother went on to explain that the call center had 3 levels of leaders and multiple levels of front line representatives and it shouldered any where from 5,000 –10,000 plus calls per day-1.5 million a year. Needless-to-say, Blossom was not impressed with her Dad’s title nor his managerial prowess. She was only concerned about the fact that so many people got her Dad’s attention during the day yet he couldn’t manage to give her his attention long enough to get through a game of Uno. She seethed for a long time over this. As a result, her Dad’s super hero status was slowing diminishing until by the time she was in her mid teen years, her Dad had fallen to the status of “mere mortal” and was kept in good company by the likes of the dads her friends. Oh, she stilled loved him and she believed that he still loved her. However, she never really came to grips with why her Dad couldn’t stay awake long enough to play games with her.
One time in particular stood out in Blossom’s mind as being especially painful. It was back in her sophomore year in high school when Dad promised that he would come to watch her play in her soccer tournament. Her team made it to the championship and was squaring off with their arch rival at 6pm that evening. This game was the most important event of the year to the team, the school, the community and to Blossom. Blossom’s Dad explained that he would go to work early so that he could put out all of the fires in time enough to leave to get to the game to see Blossom and her team come out through the tunnel. On game day, at game time, Blossom came through the tunnel to a cheering crowd…but no Dad. At that point she didn’t care what happened. She wasn’t even concerned if he was safe or not. All that mattered was that he was not there to see his Princess like he promised he would be. She was so angry at him that she never mentioned it and he was so hurt that he could never bring himself to offer an apology. For years, there was“this thing” between them that changed there relationship. The fact that Dad was only 5 minutes late didn’t matter. It was one of the many times that Dad didn’t deliver on his promise.
Blossom’s Mom encouraged her to talk to her Dad about it but Blossom refused. Her Mother marked that event is the thing that hardened her little girl. After that, she was just…different. Her Mother could tell that the matter had affected her adversely. And when she recounted the events of her Dad’s day, she explained how important it was for her to find it in her heart to forgive her Dad. Her Mom explained that she will not fully understand it until she’s much older. Her Mother told her that that day, her Dad was broadsided by an allegation brought against one of his trusty direct reports whom he later had to terminate. Shortly after that, her Dad got a call from Uncle Mike that Grandma had fallen at her home, couldn’t get up, and had been sitting on the floor for several hours before she could reach the phone to call for help. Dad and to his Brother had to go over to Grandma’s house, and with the help and accompaniment of a police officer, had to break in the dining room window to rescue Grandma. On his way in through the window, Dad cut his hand on a piece of glass and bled on his suite. After getting Grandma all squared away, Dad rushed home to shower and change to make it to the game on time. On his way he stopped at 7-11 to get a Mountain Dew and fell asleep in the car. Thankfully Mom and Dad stayed in such close communication throughout the day that Mom knew actually where he was and went to the 7-11 and found him zonked out in his car. The car door was opened and Dad had one foot out as if he were trying to get out of the car. His wallet was in his hand and his cell phone was in his lap still connected to the last caller-Mom. Mom woke him up, and they drove him home (Mom left her car there) to help Dad get ready for the game. Mom said he was completely exhausted which was the norm for Dad.
Even after learning the details of her Dad’s day, Blossom never forgave him. But now she understood. Her Mom was right. It would take nearly twenty-five years, a Master’s Degree, employment with a high profile company and being the point person of a large project for her to understand her Dad’s commitment to the family and to her. That morning, her Dad was reinstalled as her resident super hero! She had given him and even larger cape, a shinier mask, many more super powers with a much, much, much larger “S” on his chest.
That concludes this edition of Jubilee News-A WHEN MEN SPEAK Publication. Join us for the next edition and updates. We thank you for your time. We look forward to your continued partnership as we fully intend to...spark a relationship revolution!!! You made us popular. Now, it's our turn to make you proud. Take care in your travels.